


Flaws In The Plan

by willowoftheriver



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Sassy Gay Friend (Comedy Skit)
Genre: Bad Decisions, Consequences, Gen, Kidnapping, Outcomes, Revelations, Uroboros, Wesker's past, What are you doing?, cliche villains, complete global saturation, godhood, suicidal overconfidence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-06
Updated: 2012-09-06
Packaged: 2017-11-13 17:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowoftheriver/pseuds/willowoftheriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Albert Wesker is on the verge of making a very bad decision. Luckily, he has a Sassy Gay Friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flaws In The Plan

Meet Albert Wesker, of Capcom's Resident Evil. He is waiting in a hangar bay to confront his nemesis, Chris Redfield, something that will ultimately lead to his transformation into an Eldritch Abomination and eventual death via a volcano and two rocket launchers.

This could've been prevented if only he'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF: What are you doing? ::points at Wesker:: What, what, what are you doing?

Wesker: I am about to execute the final phase of my plan for  _complete. global. saturation._  All I must do is eliminate my archenemy, Chris Redfield, and then, I will create a utopia I will reign over as a  _god_!

SGF: Okay, way to channel Light Yagami. And we all know how it turned out for him. A  _god_? You're a blond Matrix-cosplayer from England!

Wesker: I have evolved  _far_  beyond—

SGF: You've  _injected yourself with magical substances that've made your muscles bigger._  You're like biohazardous baseball player!

Wesker: Spencer said the Progenitor Virus would make me a god!

SGF:  _Spencer_? Seriously, you're just gonna take  _Spencer's_  word for it? The guy who kept torture chambers in his basement and couldn't even run a company competently?

Wesker: I know that  _Spencer_  wasn't worthy, but  **I**  was specially selected to usher in a race of superior—

SGF:  _You were snatched from your Mommy when you were two._  They still run Unsolved Mysteries about your kidnapping on A&E! And again,  _who_  is it that told you about all this?  _Spencer_. Why are you freaking out so hard about what he told you?

Wesker: Because it meant my entire life was a lie! I was manipulated the entire time! He was like a puppet master pulling my strings!

SGF:  _Please_! Remember what happened after Russia? You fucked him over! He was a living corpse in a wheelchair in hiding in his creepy old mansion when you found him! Do you think he  _manipulated_  you into turning him into that?

Wesker: . . . No, I suppose not . . .

SGF: And  _ditching_  the company in 1998 and going to work for the Organization? You think he wanted you to do that? No! Come on, Al, you're such a traitorous, backstabbing, self serving little bastard—nobody can control you!

Wesker: Hehe. Maybe you're right . . .

SGF: Was that a hint of an evil laugh I heard? I think it was. Uh-huh. That's the Wesker we know.

Wesker: But . . . but I wanted to be a  _god_.

SGF: Over  _what_? Who the hell was going to survive this 'complete global saturation'? Two people? Who you handed powers just like yours to on a silver platter? How would you still be special?

Wesker: . . . I hadn't thought of that . . .

SGF: Seems like you haven't been thinking since freaking Resident Evil 4! What is this psychotic, chaotic evil, cliché, god-complex Wesker? Where's cold, calculating, in-it-for-the-money Wesker? We miss him!

Wesker: I've been a stupid bitch, haven't I?

SGF: Yeah. You're a stupid bitch.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, Wesker, you really, really needed some sense slapped into you during RE5. If only Sassy Gay Friend had actually been there . . .


End file.
